Monday, 9 December 2013

Post acquittal. (17)

Following that Tuesday trial where my accuser admitted to lying about being raped while on the stand, they didn't know how to force an acquittal. Even though the judge thought the jury would vote to acquit, he didn't want to take the chance that someone on that jury might still vote guilty (my jury was about half women). If that happened, the judge said;
"that would open up a whole other can of worms. Legally, no matter how strongly he urged them to vote not guilty, he couldn't tell them outright how to vote." The judge decided we would break for the night so he could review the law (because there was no precedence for this), as he wanted to make sure this acquittal was iron clad and couldn't be brought back to court by another crown. Those who supported me through this didn't show up that day because the last time they were not allowed in. They were all forced to sit all day in the lobby. At the St. Albert pre trial, the RCMP approached a friend of mine and asked who he was and who he was there to support: my accuser or myself. When he said "I'm here to support [Tortured]", they gave him a look of disdain and told him he couldn't come in the courtroom.

I walked into the courtroom alone, and I walked out alone. As I was leaving, I believed it was all over. It was such a relief that the truth came out. You would think I would be happy, but actually, I was quite the opposite. I feared being out in public knowing crooked cops were all around. What could I do if someone made further allegations against me? What could I say if they claimed I threatened them or something. Even though I knew I should be pleased, I felt trashed. Even in victory, I felt dammed. So fucked was my state of mind, all I could think of doing was to put on slacker radio and try to block out some of the memories, the thoughts, and the fears.

As I was waiting for the train I pondered just stepping in front of it as it pulled into the station. The thought was rejected as I thought it would just be my luck, I'd break all my bones but survive it. I remember looking all around and wondering how I could feel so all alone amongst so many people. Johnny Cash's last song came on and it eerily described the exact mood I was in at the time.

"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything"

I have been off drugs since I was 19 years old and never looked back. Likewise, I treated my sobriety as a second chance at virginity - choosing not to throw it away recklessly without giving it mature thought. But that day, I felt like I needed a shot of heroin. While contemplating damn near everything, I realized I got on the wrong train. So I sat and pondered some more as I rode it to who knows where. I looked back at my relationship with my ex girlfriend and my ex-step daughter. I couldn't believe I stuck it out through all that shit to end up like this. I questioned my common sense. I thought about the torture and how I lost everything. Thought about the disgust I had for a crooked system and wanted to yell out;
"SEE!? I TOLD YOU ALL!...but I had no one to talk to.
The only real congratulations I got was from my roommate. His yell over the phone nearly broke my ear drums. He was the only one not to say
"See, I told ya so", or "I knew it". He was just happy for me and for what happened. When it happened in court, my lawyer and I were in a room alone, she asked me how i feel, i thanked her for her help and had attempted to embrace her. She pulled away and told me it was unprofessional, that a hand shake would do. Well, excuse me you cold ass lizard! After all I had been through, despite being as big and as tough a guy as I am, at that moment I just needed a hug. There aren't many times in a guys life when they feel they need that and have the gaul to ask for it. I felt as if she still thought I was guilty. Some women just don't get it. Truth be known, had I had a male lawyer at the time, I still would have tried to embrace him. Same goes for my pastor Trevor, and even my friend Mike. That last one would have been a sight. Imagine 400 lbs Mike and 260 lbs me hugging it out. LOL, half a ton of brotherly love.