Tuesday, 1 December 2015

They say the "5 stages"....

I began writing this Blog for many reasons. One of which was that it was in a format that I could talk and get things off my chest when I simply had more to say than those around me could endure or I would write out that which bothered me and I felt no one simply gave a shit.

Near 5 years of court, trials although "they" pretended that they were separate incidents were in fact ALL connected in a very close and intimate way. I have said this many times and many times I was told "no the courts see them as separate matters" Then they give you the look, the look like "you're just not intelligent enough to get it", the look like " trust me , this is how it works",etc.

Now I don't feel that I am stupid, yes I have a limited education but I do have a degree in engineering. So while people would yell at me (attorney's) to accept plea deals, "this is the way the system is" or try to convince me with a learnt look, bunch of backwards babbling misplaced seemingly educated words....I would often think to myself " does day not come after the night"?, "does one step come after another on a set of stairs"? "one rung of a ladder to the next, hence it qualifies as a ladder"? " for them to come to work wasn't there steps and were they singular motions or a set of events that led them to work"?
Endlessly I would get served bullshit like this with a helping of a convincing look, apathetic look,or an affirmative "trust me I'm smarter look" I can only liken their fragmented , meaningless words, sentences and speeches to this: "Where does the white go when the snow melts"? I absorbed the gibberish, would block it out when I could but each time was like a punch in the face and made as much sense to me as my one attorney that said "even though you were acquitted of the principle charges that started this all, all that time you did in jail was a FREE BEE and they want more time because the courts see it as a separate matter that you assaulted a police officer"

Well we all know it is over so"party on right"?.......no. For a small example the last few days I have been hyper vigilant, extremely easily angered at someones stupid driving mistake. Angered at the most mundane and meaningless things, even inanimate objects. I can't sleep for shit, I'm restless,confused, angry and my head just buzzes.
All last night in the moments I would sleep I would dream of remodelling my home, step by step. Over an over again, only to look at the clock and 20 minutes give or take has passed! Unreal the shit you can dream in such a short period of time.

I have proven my innocence in court so much and that is just what I was accused of. While awaiting a trial and in jail I was raped, not proud at all. In fact it has bothered me so much I could simply flip right the fuck out. However, a sane person has to pick the battles in order to win the war. To add to that which was already such a convoluted ,long story was already on the edge of unbelievability.
So back burner was put the rape that happened twice  so that I could have wherewithal and fight the battles to win the war. Segmenting and denying my own feelings just because to simply add to the whole thing might be misconstrued as a person with mental health issues.
I assure you, other than the P.T.S.D  "he suffers from no major mental health issues" and so convinced was my Foe that they would have me retested and retested again, allegate, allege all the while......same outcome.
Why was I raped? because I was an accused rapist and that was how these individuals taught rapists lessons. Why for real? I think they were just sick fucks. How? Well they held the keys to my cell and what better victim that would be unbelieved then someone who was in my state, position. Hell they could have cut off my arm and I complained, those in power would find some way to blame me for my arm loss.....never once would they say "hey maybe this guy is telling the truth"
The one guy I haven't seen until the day of my release, the other years later when I seen him working as a sheriff that transports prisoners, can you believe they actually gave this guy a gun!? I would stare at him, contemplate wrong but then just block it out and focus at the task at hand.....deny myself everything.
I was amazed as I looked around at all the people who just carried on as normal and I thought "if they only knew what kind of monster (armed non the less) roamed around them they would come out of their skin if they seen and went through what that guy can do"
 So I looked it up, trying to figure out what is going on with me, rudimentary but you get the idea as do I and I figure this is going to be one hell of a battle as I have yet to win the war. Trouble is, I'm not certain I have the wherewithal anymore. To simply draw out the process for so very long and suppress myself so very long will no doubt inadvertently make all of my emotions ,thoughts and feelings to overlay, mix up and be discombobulated , insuring recovery will be extensively long if at all possible.
I'm at about hurdle two and yes where they all appear to be "different", "separate" They still are hurdles and there will be no "free bee's"
Sleepless
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